After “it” happened all I could think about and hope for and even ask God most of the time is when I would be happy again. When is it my turn to become whole again. I was broken into so much pieces that I was desperately longing to feel whole again.
All these years I had imagined or thought to have known how my future would be like – with my family. I did not care much about where we would be or how much we have. All I know is that as long as we are together, everything will be okay. As uncertain our future is my faith in God that He will provide all our needs was all I needed to feel secure that we have hope and a good future. I never doubted and was never afraid of tomorrow. My family and my faith was my security and my world. When “it” happened, I was rattled and shaken. My world suddenly fell apart.
If not for my faith, I don’t know what would have happened to me. For a second maybe I doubted and was very scared. How would we survive? How am I going to handle everything? I cannot explain how I got hold of myself and how I in a matter of weeks took the courage to stand up and start picking myself up. It was by God’s grace alone. I could not let my children feel that they too have to worry. I knew I had to get back on my feet no matter how hard it was to even start.
My desire to be happy was what I have focused on as soon as I accepted the fact that I am now single again. I wanted it so much because I know that my happiness will be my greatest revenge. It had become my goal to be happy. My heart’s desire for the feeling of being whole again and not hurting anymore burned so badly. I had this strong feeling of want inside that it got frustrating to the point that I was getting very depressed about not being happy and getting myself contented with my situation.
I am still being haunted by that feeling. There are good days and bad days. Days when I just feel like crying when it gets so exhausting trying to figure out how, why and where to start. I will get there, one way or another. I am determined and I will do whatever it takes.