Baggages

I am a broken woman. My heart and soul have been broken into pieces. I might have put back the pieces together but the cracks and breaks will forever be there. Fragile and broken.

I come with trust issues, insecurities, my tendency to be too clingy, my constant need to be appreciated and be loved, my craving for attention, my baggages that only a strong man could help unload and carry. I need a strong man who can handle a broken woman like me.
It might be a heavy load to carry but in return that strong man can expect my love, care and respect. I can offer my time, my hopes and dreams, my generous and giving heart despite the cracks and breaks, my devotion and loyalty. He would get the attention from the sweet and affectionate person that I am and the constant appreciation for the courage to be with a broken woman like me.

We all come in with baggages in one form or another. We are all in need of someone who will help us carry and unload these baggages- our past, our fears, our experiences and together share new hopes and dreams for the future.

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Dear Mr. A

I miss you, Mr. A. The past three months have been wonderful and exciting. I cannot thank you enough for the time we have spent. You were a gentleman and as much as I hate to admit it, it was my fault. I pushed you away with my insecurities and the constant need for attention. Every single thing you do or did not do was given so much meaning that it drive me crazy which in the end took a toll in what should have been a wonderful relationship. As much as I blame myself for what happened, I also have to blame you. You might have some things going on with your life but that does not mean you tell me that you are too busy to even ask me how I am or just check up on me like you used too?
As soon as you said you were busy. I knew I had to end it. I knew that this time I will not put up with anything less than what I think I deserve. While I was contemplating, I realize that there were some things that I was just letting go because you were being so nice to me. I like how you were always holding and kissing my hand. How you were always cuddling up to me. I like that you made me feel very special whenever we are together and how you made me laugh because of that I ignored certain things that I wasn’t really happy about. Not with your personality but other things that I think is very vital to any relationship.

It still is a puzzle how things suddenly change so fast when you were the one who wanted to be exclusive and even wanted to be my boyfriend. There are some things that I will never know and would not be able to understand. All I know is that I liked you a lot and I wished it did not end so soon. I missed our times together.

You taught me a lesson though. Just because I was treated well, wined and dined all the time, means that I have to settle and be content. I also realized that I am still broken inside. Still lonely and craving to be loved. And until I am happy with who i am, confident that I am worth something, complete, then I can be ready to be in a relationship. Until I can show somebody how to value me and treat me the way I know I should be treated, then I will continue to be taken for granted.

So for now, I will continue to meet people. Build myself up. Practice social skills and try my best not to fall for the next guy who tries to sweep me off my feet. In the end, all men are the same (scared and coward). Except I will make sure that my future husband will do things that I would never think a man would do for a woman. Not just buy me dinners but show me that he would be the one who will move mountains and cross rivers to win my love. Treat me with respect. Court me, willingly do things for me and make me happy by just doing the little things that matter because I know that I can do all this and more for the man that I would love and respect. I know what I want. I know what i deserve. I know what I am worth. And you are not worth an ounce of what I can offer.

God does bring people into our lives for a purpose. I am thankful for you, for your kindness, your time and generosity. I will always remember you and I know you will never forget me too.

Ms. M

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I am because I am…

I may not be rich, the smartest or the most beautiful of them all but…

I am RICH…

in love from my family and the people who matters to me.

in friends maybe few but really true.

in compassion.

in patience.

in experiences, good and bad that have taught me and molded me to become the person I am today.

in blessings that I receive each and every day.

I am SMART because…

I know how to treat people with respect.

I know when and when not to say something.

I know how to encourage and uplift people up.

I know how to appreciate beauty around me.

I know how to be good at what I do and do more than what I have to.

I know how to accept criticism and handle them well.

I know how to learn from others,

I know how to be open to new ideas and be humble enough to accept them.

I know what to tell my children whenever they are good or bad and still make them feel loved.

I know how to be thankful for all the blessings that I receive.

I am BEAUTIFUL…

because my eyes can see beauty and goodness in all things.

because my heart is full of love and kindness.

because my smile have endured struggle and pain.

because my hands have dried tears and helped someone in need.

because my arms have given hugs to ease the stress away.

because my lips has kissed the pain away.

because my knees can kneel down and pray.

because my body has gone through the pain of bringing out two wonderful human beings into this world.

I am because I am and

You are because You are.

The ME that I can offer.

Special in every single way.

 

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I want to be happy again

After “it” happened all I could think about and hope for and even ask God most of the time is when I would be happy again. When is it my turn to become whole again. I was broken into so much pieces that I was desperately longing to feel whole again.

All these years I had imagined or thought to have known how my future would be like – with my family. I did not care much about where we would be or how much we have. All I know is that as long as we are together, everything will be okay. As uncertain our future is my faith in God that He will provide all our needs was all I needed to feel secure that we have hope and a good future. I never doubted and was never afraid of tomorrow. My family and my faith was my security and my world. When “it” happened, I was rattled and shaken. My world suddenly fell apart.

If not for my faith, I don’t know what would have happened to me. For a second maybe I doubted and was very scared. How would we survive? How am I going to handle everything? I cannot explain how I got hold of myself and how I in a matter of weeks took the courage to stand up and start picking myself up. It was by God’s grace alone. I could not let my children feel that they too have to worry. I knew I had to get back on my feet no matter how hard it was to even start.

My desire to be happy was what I have focused on as soon as I accepted the fact that I am now single again. I wanted it so much because I know that my happiness will be my greatest revenge. It had become my goal to be happy. My heart’s desire for the feeling of being whole again and not hurting anymore burned so badly. I had this strong feeling of want inside that it got frustrating to the point that I was getting very depressed about not being happy and getting myself contented with my situation.

I am still being haunted by that feeling. There are good days and bad days. Days when I just feel like crying when it gets so exhausting trying to figure out how, why and where to start. I will get there, one way or another. I am determined and I will do whatever it takes.

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A whole lot of help

I was blessed to have friends who supported me and my kids especially when my family is so far away. Most of them saw and experienced first hand the pain and ordeal that I had to go through. I saw how God orchestrated everything so that me and my kids would feel loved and cared for.
A month before “it” happened, my best friend and I suddenly reconnected after 3 years of not seeing each other. What a coincidence right? But I knew God made it happen for a reason. She and another good friend really took their time to help me see the brighter side of things. Helped me feel beautiful again, helped me appreciate my self once more and helped me have fun and forget about the hurt and pain. I am still a whole lot of work in progress but they built the foundation.
We all saw each other on weekends, planned different things to do and had fun. It helped a lot especially during those times when the pain was so new and I was still in shock.
They made dating profiles for me, set me up on dates and all that stuff to keep my mind of the “ex”. It sure did its job!
Almost a year now into when I found out about the affair, I am still struggling with confidence, self-esteem and being alone. Even though I am dating, the insecurities I have in being in a relationship is haunting me all the time. The whole process is emotionally draining especially when you have children whom you have to show how strong you are. Life and all the responsibilities that was left for me to do on my own was and is overwhelming. I want to be a good mother to my children but I also want to be happy.
My journey is just starting. I know I would have a happy ending because I know we all deserve our happy endings…

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My journey has begun

I am starting this blog as a platform to vent out my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I go through my everyday life. You see, 10 months ago I discovered that my husband whom I was with for 16 years has been cheating on me for more than a year. It was a shock and I never saw it coming. I had no idea that it has been going on and how he was very much into that relationship. Anyway, I decided to leave him after several attempts of trying to make him come home. A lot of things happened in between and a lot of details I will not include but the bottom line is… I was hurt. I was torn into pieces. The life that I thought I would be living, the future I had pictured in my head all fell apart. The worst part is We had children who were as affected or maybe worst than I was.
Getting back into my feet wasn’t an easy ordeal. God was so good that He placed the right people at the right time to help me little by little get back up. I am still a work in progress, thus this blog. I have a long way to go. There was so much damage done to my self-esteem and self-worth. Devoting half of your life to one person then waking up one day losing all of that is very traumatizing. My world change 360 degrees.
After begging for my ex to come back despite of what he did for several times, it dawned on me one night that I shouldn’t be the one begging. As hard and painful as it is, I decided that I deserve better. Now this is where my long journey begins…

Darna

P.S.
I am not a writer at all. I am doing this for myself only. By any chance you come across grammatical error, forgive me. Just read in between the lines, you’ll know what I’m trying to say.

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